Snow White and the Seven Huntsman

“Don’t flatter yourself, now stay close”

OMG it is so pretty

Why does young Kristen look nothing like real Kristen? 

OK so Thor’s brother loves his wife

Now he has a crush on Kristen Stewart

Nope he loves his  wife

Nope he likes Kristen

Nope there’s dwarves

It’s weird, I don’t really run into small people on a regular basis but in movies they are everywhere

And now he likes Kristen because she is the one.

Kristen to agent: “I will only do movies where two hot guys are in love with me”

Agent” “Great  I have another movie for you”

Kristen “Great”

OMG it is so pretty

So wait the brother dies and is a weird character

OMG it is so pretty

It is so great that the men of the middle ages find it hot when Kristen wears chain mail and pants.  It’s been a while since I received some chain mail.

OMG it is so pretty.

Is this a metaphor for how Hollywood treats pretty women?  You know only values pretty women?
Did they run out of money 2/3 of the way through?

OMG it is so pretty.

Why are there dwarves in poo?

Why is this the first joke of the movie?

Ok so now all is good because we have music and Kristen is queen.

OMG it was so pretty.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snow_White_and_the_Huntsman

Prometheus

The movie opens and we're in Scotland.  A really buff Alien who is super ripped takes some vitamin E and then he is ripped apart.  Then we're in Scotland and the year is 2089 and we learn that archaeologists in the future still wear North Face and are super hot.  Then it's 2093 and we learn that robots in the future are also really hot Nazi types.  The chyron says there are seventeen people on board but I don't think it's counting extras or the "medical team" that Charlize later calls for.  Charlize is woken up first and she does push-ups while wet because she's just that type of lady.  Then they go explore the caves, here is the conversation that happened between Ridley and the Production Designer.

Ridley: I want the caves to look awesome, I mean mind blowing.

PD: I already blew all our money on the ship

Ridley:  But they should look awesome

PD:  I'll make one with the money I have left and you just have them walk through it several times and in different directions to look like different pathways.

Ridley:  Excellent, where's my assistant?  I want some tea made with water from Antarctica.

I joke.  Ridley is supposed to be a fairly nice director. 

A lot of blah blah horror/alien type stuff happens.  Then Charlize comes across the surly captain.  He hits on her.  She refuses.  He pulls out his accordion, she changes her mind.  She came on this voyage to see if the rumors were true and she is going to verify if what they say about black guys is in fact true.  She also wrote into her contract that she will never again have a sex scene unless she has ugly make-up on and she's playing a serial killer, eliminating a lot of sex scenes (but not all future ones).

Then a lot of stuff happens.  People come back from the dead as aliens.  We learn that the weapons of the future are just flame throwers.  A traumatizing "birth" scene occurs that quenched my need for calamari for awhile.

Then everybody dies except Naomi who is from Sweden and therefore can not be killed.  Not by being in the turbine when the alien ship takes off.  Not by tectonic shifting plates that she must jump across.  Not by her child who has a thing for red heads.  The entire experience ends with Naomi not only enthralled by this alien that tried to kill her but hoping to find more of his kind because his abs are just too much to resist.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prometheus_(film)